The Soapies
by Sovrani
Summary: A series of Soap Opera episodes, starring the Artemis Fowl characters. New chapter is up! R&R!
1. The Wedding

(Disclaimer: Artemis Fowl and any related characters, places or names belong to Eoin Colfer)

(A/N: This chapter is inspired by an episode of Futurama. If you've seen it, you'll recognise the plot line, dialogue and even some names.)

Chapter 1: The Wedding

Holly: -walks down aisle in long white dress and veil, links arms with Artemis-

Priest: -holding book- We are gathered here today to join Holly Short and Artemis Fowl in holy matrimony. The bride has written some vows which we will all pretend to be interested in.

Holly: -takes Artemis's hand- Dearest Artemis, forever is not enough time for me to tell you of the many ways I love you... -gasps, moans, then collapses-

Artemis: Is there a doctor in the house?

Doctor: I came as soon as I could! -presses stethoscope to Holly's head- -gasps- I'm afraid it's a case of African Hydraulic Fever!

Artemis: -gasps- I've heard of that! It's often fatal!

Holly: -dying- I will not leave you, so long as you understand that the flame of my eternal love for you will burn for ever!

Artemis: I understand. But sweetheart, I thought you could only catch African Hydraulic Fever deep in the diamond mines of Congo...

Random Person Wearing Blonde Wig In Audience: Holly, you she-devil!

Audience: -gasps-

RPWBWIA: Do you really think you could steal those diamonds from me and Congo Jack?

Holly: -staggers upright, held up by Artemis- Those gems belong to the natives!

RPWBWIA: -kicks Holly in the head-

Holly: -collapses to ground (again)-

Artemis: -kneels over Holly's lifeless form- Oh, how cruel and melodramatic fate is! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?

Holly: Artemis, my darling, your loud "why" brought me partway back to life! -get's helped up by Artemis-

Congo Jack: -rides in on motorcycle, wearing a safari hat-

Holly: -gasps- Congo Jack???

Artemis: -gasps- Another shocking twist!

Congo Jack: Yes, it is I, and I bring you a message from Colonel Matumbe. He says _this_ is from Congo Jack. -pulls out spear and hurls it at Holly. It misses-

Holly: You missed me, Congo Jack, and I know your terrible secret, and that secret is-

Random Object: -falls from ceiling and hits Holly in the head-

Holly: -collapses to ground (again)-

Artemis: Noooooo Holly!

Holly: I still won't leave you, as long as you understand what I said before, about my love for you burning for eternity. You understand that, don't you?

Artemis: I do. –sobs- I do.

Holly: OK then. -gasps chokes and dies-

Doctor: -shakes head- I'm sorry Artemis, she's gone.

Artemis: She lives no more. But find consolation in your hearts that she truly loved me.

Audience: -sobbing, crying and some throwing up at the clichédness of it all-

The End


	2. The Twist

(Disclaimer: Artemis Fowl and any related characters, place or names belong to Eoin Colfer)

(A/N: Read this chapter in assumption that the characters don't die, which they haven't. Holly miraculously is brought back to life and, somehow, in this chapter, Artemis is in a coma. And if Olynara Sedai is reading, I'm sorry about the other chapter, but it's like my favourite episode and I had to put it in writing, though I DID mention that it's almost exactly the same. I hope this chapter is better. P.S: I fixed this and the other chapter)

Chapter 2: The Twist

Holly: -sobbing- Oh the irony! Why must my husband Artemis fall into a terrible, irreversible coma?!

Doctor: -puts a hand on Holly's shoulder- I'm sorry, Holly. He will never wake up.

Holly: -sob- At times like these, I need a man to hold me... You like holding me don't you?

Doctor: Oh Holly...

(A/N: You can guess what happens here... I'm not going to write it)

_Two weeks later..._

Doctor: Holly, I have something to tell you.

Holly: What is it, Doctor?

Doctor: I'm sorry Holly, but you're pregnant!

Holly: Noooooo!

Doctor: And we don't know who the father is...

Holly: Noooooo!

Doctor: There are only two weeks separating me and Artemis as the father...

Holly: Noooooo!

_Six months later..._

Holly: -sobbing- I don't know who the father of my baby is... I can't go through with this pregnancy, and it's too late to have an abortion... there is only one thing left to do... -gets a razor blade and is about to cut herself, when...-

Artemis: -wakes from coma- Holly, Noooooo! (A/N: You'd think they'd have thrown him out or something, wouldn't you? Anywho... on with the chapter)

Holly: Artemis! You're awake from your terrible coma!

Artemis: I am... and so are you... uh wait...

Holly: Oh Artemis!

-Insert very passionate scene here-

Doctor: -bursts into room- Holly, how could you?

Holly: But Doctor, I love you too!

-Insert very passionate scene here-

Nurse: -bursts into room- Doctor, how could you?

Doctor: But Nurse, I love you too!

-Insert very passionate scene here-

Random Guy: -bursts into room- Doctor, how could you?

Doctor: But Random Guy, I love you too!

-Insert very passionate scene here-

Holly: -looks at others- Is there anyone else here who finds this extremely wrong?

Nurse: Yeah, me.

Artemis: Me too.

Holly: Should we stop them?

Artemis: Nah, let's just watch.

_A few minutes later... _-Very passionate scene continues-

Holly: This is just disturbing! And has anyone noticed how me and Artemis are TOTALLY out of character?

Fantastical, Genius Authoress (me): Hey, shut up! You're a character in a story, you act and do what I tell you, you DON'T offer opinions!

Holly: Fine! But since I'm being told to act like a TOTAL bimbo, you could AT LEAST mention my flawless hazel eyes!

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -sighs- Fine

_A few minutes later..._

Doctor: -sits up and wipes mouth- I'm sorry, where were we?

Artemis: -flips through script- Well, I just woke up from my coma, you just ran in on me and Holly making out, then Holly made out with you, to be interrupted by the Nurse...

Nurse: -waves- Hi!

Artemis: ... and then you started making out with **her** just to be interrupted by this random guy, and then you-

Holly: OK, OK! I think we get it.

Artemis: OK, sorry. Moving on.

Holly: -clears throat and blinks flawless hazel eyes- Oh Artemis, I am so glad you are awake from your terrible coma!

Artemis: I love you Holly.

Holly: -grasps stomach- Oh my god, Artemis, it's TIME!

Artemis: -gasps- Is there a doctor in the house?

Doctor: Well, yes, this is a hospital and I am in the room. But I came as soon as I could -shrugs-

_Three hours later..._

Doctor: Artemis, your wife is not in labour, she has a terminal cancer. If we operate, the baby will die. You have to decide to keep the baby or kill Holly.

Artemis: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Holly: Artemis, I want to have our baby!

Artemis: But Holly, you will die!

Holly: Yes but the flame of my eternal love for you will burn for ever!

Artemis: -confused- Didn't you say that in the last chapter?

Holly: Something like it. I think the Authoress just copied and pasted.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: I did not!

Nurse and Random Guy: We're still here, if you hadn't noticed.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -sighs- Fine!

Nurse and Random Guy: -disappears- -voices come from far away- Thank you!

Holly: Anyway. You were saying, Artemis?

Artemis: Oh yes. -clears throat- I love you!

Holly: I want you to kiss me one more time and promise me you'll never re-marry... -rolls eyes- My god who wrote this? It's so cliché!

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: **I** wrote it! Now on with the story!

Holly: Fine... I believe it's Artemis's line.

Artemis: Oh right... I promise to never re-marry.

Holly: -deliriously- Raba Flabaga!

Artemis: What?

Holly: -deliriously- Raba Flabaga!

Artemis: My god! She's delirious!

Holly: Rabaga Floobagoobli!! Translation: Nah, you don't say! I'm only doing this because the Authoress is telling me to. I'm not even getting paid!

Artemis: Holly, stay in the land of the living! Stay away from the light!

Holly: Ugh –dies-

Artemis: Holly my one true love, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Doctor: It's a boy! I'm sorry Artemis, you will have to bring up your son alone.

Artemis: Doctor I love you –retches offscreen-

Doctor: I love you too, Artemis -retches offscreen-

Artemis: This Authoress is driving me insane! She must be really tired or bored.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Ahem, I believe it's Holly's line.

Holly: Artemis, I'm alive!

Artemis: -looks at script- What is the meaning of this word?

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Damnit, can't you just SAY it?

Artemis: -sighs- Fine. Yay.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: With feeling, damnit!

Artemis: -with feeling- Yay!

Holly: I love you Artemis.

Artemis: I love you too, Holly

Holly: What will we call our son?

Artemis: Oh you pick, I picked dinner last night.

Holly: How about Artemis Fowl the third? -rolls eyes- Oh my god that is so cliché!

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: STICK TO THE BLOODY SCRIPT!

Artemis: Hey wait, the fact that I just woke up from a coma means that I CAN'T have picked dinner last night! I've been drooling into my pillow for the past six months-

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: WOULD YOU SHUT UP!?

The End


	3. Spoofs, Advertisements and Pancakes

**(Disclaimer: I don't own it. Period. The End. Semi Colon) **

**(A/N: Sorry about the long wait, I was running out of ideas and needed some inspiration so I was asking a few friends what they thought the most cliché soap opera thing is... This is seven years after Holly has had Artemis Fowl III...) **

Spoofs, Advertisements and Pancakes. You heard me. 

_Fowl Manor_

Artemis III: Hello, mother.

Holly: Hello Artemis III. What's that you've got there?

Artemis III: What, this? –points at very large bottle- This is a very large bottle of chloroform. You can read the very large warning label, can't you?

Holly: Of course I can read it. What are you doing with it?

Artemis III: I don't know. I mixed it up myself.

Holly: Oh, you clever boy! You should go and get your father to take you out for ice cream, meanwhile, I'll make us pancakes for dinner. (A/N: lol totally lame I know, but it gets better)

Artemis III: -grins- OK. –puts bottle of chloroform in pantry with all the other bottles- Thanks Mother. –leaves-

Artemis II and III: -leaves for ice cream-

Holly: -starts cooking pancakes- I'm really thirsty... –goes to pantry-

Readers with Half a Brain: OH MY GOD SHE'S GOING TO DRINK THE CHLOROFORM!

Readers with Half a Brain who have seen Final Destination 1, 2 or 3: OH MY GOD IT'S A CHAIN REACTION!

Holly: -pulls out bottle of chloroform- -looks at label- Too bad I'm illiterate and can't read the label.

Readers: -GASP-

Holly: -pours out glass of chloroform- -raises it slowly to her lips...-

Readers: -GASP-

Holly: -drinks chloroform and collapses to ground (for, what, the fifth time in three chapters)-

Readers: -GASP-

Random Reader: -gasps and collapses-

Doctor: This man is over-gasped! (A/N: Again from Futurama, sorry)

_Voice Over: Meanwhile... _

Frying pan with Pancake: -lights on fire-

Holly: -is still unconscious on ground due to drinking the chloroform-

Frying pan with Pancake: -crackles because it's on fire-

_Later... _

Artemis II: -driving up the road- Oh my god, are those Fire Engines going to the manor?

Artemis III: Mother's in there!

Artemis II and III: -run in-

Fireman Sam (A/N: Yer he's from one of those kids shows): -holding, unconscious, distorted Holly-

Artemis II: Noooooo! Holly! What happened?

Fireman Sam: We found her unconscious on the floor, it appeared she was cooking pancakes.

Artemis III: Mother... –cries-

Fireman Sam: It appears she had a glass of something in her hand when she collapsed. After several taste-tests, it was discovered it was chloroform.

Artemis II: Chloroform? But we never have chloroform in the house..?

Artemis III: -suddenly turns very pale-

Artemis II: Son, do you know something about this?

Artemis III: Well, I mixed up my own version of chloroform and it was in a soft drink bottle.

Artemis II: Son, you _know_ how dangerous that is!

Artemis III: But... I put a big warning label on it! Mother assured me she could read!

Fireman Sam: -annoyed that he's being ignored- Could you help me sir, your wife is quite heavy...

_Later, at the Hospital... _

_Voice Over: And so, Holly Fowl has gone into surgery, and Artemis II and III are awaiting news... _

Artemis II: -pacing-

Artemis III: -also pacing-

Doctor (A/N: the same Doctor from the last chappie, by the way): -comes in-

Artemis II: So? How is she?

Doctor: -shakes head- I'm sorry Artemis, I'd like to say that she didn't make it, but this is a Soap Opera and it's Rated PG, so yeah, she's OK.

Artemis II: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Wait, did you just say she was OK?

Doctor: Yeah I did. The Authoress is running out of ideas, if you ask me.

Artemis III: Yeah, she even stole a scene from the Final Destination movies.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: I did not STEAL it! Ever heard of a spoof?

Artemis III: Obviously NOT or I wouldn't have said it!

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -muttering- Note to self: Kill off Artemis III in the next episode...

Artemis III: What?

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Oh nothing! –slinks away sneakily-

Doctor: So do you want to go see your wife or not?

Artemis II: Yeah, sure.

Artemis II, III and Doctor: -go into Holly's room-

Holly: My face is covered in bandages...

Artemis II: Oh my god she's hideous!

Doctor: Those are bandages.

Artemis II: Not her, HER! –points at Random Lady Outside Window-

Random Lady Outside Window: That was uncalled for.

Doctor: Now we will see if the operation was a success... (A/N: I didn't mention that half her face was burned off, but I did say the she was distorted. I've got too many A/Ns in here, I'll leave you now –_leaves_-)

Doctor: -starts to slowly and dramatically unwind bandages-

Blonde Woman Who Looks Like a Lily Frond/Minerva Paradiso Hybrid: -smiling cheesily- The program will be right back after these messages from our sponsors.

Impatient Readers: NOOOO! –shoots Blonde Woman Who Looks Like a Lily Frond/Minerva Paradiso Hybrid with Neutrino-

BWWLLaLFMPH: -looks very burnt- Ouch.

Large Red Writing: -appears- TOASTY TOASTERS!

Random Guy (from the last episode): And this is the brand-new, state of the art Toaster! It actually dings when the toast is ready!

Toaster: _Ding!_

Random Guy: The toast's done! Now we just have to get these metal tongs and-

Audience: -GASP-

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Oops. Yeah, metal not meant to go in toaster, my bad... –runs away before someone sues her-

_Voice Over: And now a sneak preview of the next episode of "Survivor" _

Root: I'm voting for Foaly, because I'm illiterate and he's the easiest to draw. –holds up card with stick figure Foaly on it-

Grub: -Hold up card that reads "HI MUMMY"-

_Voice Over: And now, back to our program. _

Doctor: -still unwinding bandages slowly and dramatically-

Holly: -she's fine-

Readers Who Were Expecting Something Exiting: We were expecting something exiting.

Artemis II: Oh, Holly, my love, thank goodness you're alright!

Holly: Oh Artemis, I love you.

Artemis II: Holly, why didn't you realise that the contents of the bottle was chloroform, minutes after our son told you not to touch it?

Holly: Well, I was hoping that I'd never have to tell you, but... I CAN'T READ!

Readers Who Already Knew That: We already knew that.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: So did I, but I just watched an episode of Black Books and I'm really kinda tired. –falls off chair-

Artemis III: Mother, why didn't you ever tell us?

Holly: Well, I would have, but I only found out this episode. –glares pointedly at the Authoress-

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -hiccups-

_Voice Over: Meanwhile... _

Fireman Sam: -drops dead while eating pancakes-

_Voice Over: Why did he drop dead while eating pancakes? Find out next week on... _

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Oh no, no, no. –sits up off floor- They can't wait that long, what happened, Fireman Sam ate some of Holly's pancakes, and since she's illiterate she mixed up the packet of flour and packet of RAT POISON!–falls over again- Eeee, sparkles!

Artemis II: So, if she hadn't drunk the chloroform then we would all be dead right now?

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -still on floor- Bwa ha ha ha.

_Voice Over: I think she means yes. _

Artemis II: Then there's no need for us to punish Artemis III for almost killing his mother!

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -sits up again- Now wait a minute! Just because this is a PG Rated Soap Opera doesn't mean there doesn't have to be an element of surprise! Even though people don't like seeing new things, they like seeing the same thing over and over and over and over and over...

_Voice Over: We are experiencing Authorial difficulties, please stand by with these messages. _

Random Guy (miraculously healed): Official Star Wars lightsaber –sees "Made In Taiwan" lable- -eye twitches- OK, not official, just buy it. My baby needs a new pair of shoes!

Nurse: -runs in holding baby- Random Guy, are you doing horrible advertising to pay off our bills?

Random Guy: I'm afraid so, dear.

Baby Who Looks Alot Like Stewie Griffin (from Family Guy, no less): I WILL CONQUER!

_Silence... _

_Voice Over: _O.o_ Anyway, back to our program. _

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -has been talking all the way through the advertisement- And over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over...

Random Object: -falls and hits Fantastical, Genius Authoress in the head-

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -collapses- -twitches-

Artemis II: As I was saying, there's no need to punish Artemis III because he technically saved us all.

Holly: Let's have a family hug!

Family: -hugs-

Readers: Aww...

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -sits up with Neutrino in hand- BWAHAAHAHA! –starts shooting people- Eurgh, I've got a headache, I think I'd better stop typing and lie down.

All: Good idea.

Baby Who Looks Alot Like Stewie Griffin: I WILL KILL YOU ALL!

THE END?

**(A/N: Yeah, not quite the end yet, we may have to kill off a few characters due to budget cuts, and I'm starting school again so I won't have as much time to work on my fics –cries hysterically in corner- If you enjoyed this fic, I suggest you read "_The Truth Of Fairy Tales_" written by yours truly (ME), Starring characters from the Artemis Fowl and Harry Potter series, and it can be found on my little listy thing with all my stories, and I really hope it's funny. Yeah, until next time!) **


	4. You Have Cancer and Your Dog Is Adopted

**(Disclaimer: Arty and Co. belong to Eoin Colfer, except I own Artemis III)**

**(A/N: Most of this is my idea, but the beginning was acted out by a friend of mine using pens. Yeah, pens.)**

You have Cancer and Your Dog is Adopted

_The Hospital..._

Doctor (A/N: Yes, he's back again! XD): Since you're all here, I have some shocking news.

Holly: What is it Doctor?

Doctor: Artemis II, you have testicular cancer.

Artemis II: -GASP-

Readers: -GASP- The soap opera suspense has already begun and we aren't even into the first ad break!

Doctor: Holly, you have breast cancer.

Holly: -GASP-

Readers: -GASP-

Doctor: Artemis III, you have regular cancer.

Artemis III: -GASP-

Readers: -GASP-

Doctor: And... –dramatic pause- Your dog is adopted.

Fido: -barks sadly-

Holly: Oh no, we are all going to die! –collapses into fake tears, typical of soapie actors-

Artemis II: Hush there, my love –comforts Holly, who's still shaking with fake sobs- At least we will all die together.

Artemis III: Oh mother and father, do you think this has something to do with the fact that the Authoress is going bankrupt and must kill off some characters?

Readers Who Actually Care: You're giving away the end!

Artemis II: Yo may be right, son, but we will never know.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: What if I told you?

Readers Who Actually Care: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Readers Who Don't: YESSSSSSSS!

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Well I can't, because one chapter has to be over 1,000 words. But yes, thanks to budget cuts we may have to kill off a few characters. I won't say who.

Random Sniper: -has a heart attack and misses Artemis III's head-

Random Person: Ouch. What was that?

Artemis II: Well, how long do we have?

Doctor: You have six months to live.

Holly: -starts crying again-

Artemis II: -looking like he's about to cry, but doesn't because he's too macho (A/N: AND INCREDIBLY HOT!)- Come on then, let's go home and live out our last six months.

Artemis II, Artemis III, Holly and Fido: -leaves hospital and goes to Fowl Manor-

Fido: -disappears suddenly-

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -putting tomato sauce on hot-dog- What? Why are you looking at me?

_Fowl Manor..._

**Artemis II and Holly's bedroom...**

Holly: -still crying- I can't believe that we're going to die, Artemis.

Artemis II: I don't think _we're _going to die, Holly.

Holly: Whatever do you mean?

Artemis II: Think about it! The Authoress is having budget cuts so she needs to kill off some characters. Fireman Sam died last episode, Fido disappeared and now we all have cancer.

Holly: Then we'll all die, won't we?

Artemis II: Not at all! I think Artemis III will die, because the Authoress probably thinks that typing Artemis II and Artemis III is getting confusing, and you know how she gets when she's confused...

Holly: -looks worried- Yes, eh, I do.

Artemis II: But with Artemis III, Fireman Sam, Fido and "Mystery Character Authoress Refuses to Name" gone, the Authoress will just bring in new characters to take their places! Just like ALL soap operas!

Holly: Of course! It's all so obvious now.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Have you been giving away secrets?

Artemis II: -trying to look innocent- No.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Oh good. –smiles and leaves-

**Artemis III's room...**

Artemis III: -moping over Fido's disappearance- I can't believe we all have cancer! We're all going to die.

Photograph of Fido: -says nothing because it's just a photograph-

Artemis III: -gasp- Oh no. –comes to the same conclusion as Artemis II, but doesn't say it out loud to save paragraph space, and the cartilage between the Authoress' fingers-

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: My fingers hurt from typing so much, and it think I've got radiation in my legs from my laptop. I HOPE YOU ALL UNDERSTAND THE PAIN YOU'RE CAUSING ME!

Artemis III: I shall not let her kill me off! –pulls out phone and dials number-

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Hey, you can't do that! It's not in the script!

Artemis III: Phooey to you! I am a soapie star, I can do anything I want!

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: No you can't! You're a figment of my imagination, you don't even exist!

Artemis III: -punches Authoress in the face- Do I exist now?

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -looking really scared- Yeah, you do now.

Artemis III: Now, you can't let me get killed off, otherwise you'll have a little... accident.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: But... I've already printed the script!

Artemis III: Baloney to the script! Make it up as you go!

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -sighs- OK –goes over to Artemis III's chest of drawers and pulls out jar of scorpions-

Artemis III: What are they doing in there?

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -shrugs- This is a soap opera. The death has to be dramatic. –pulls out cage with Boa Constrictor out from under Artemis III's bed-

Artemis III: Where'd you get that?

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Africa. –wipes up pool of acid that is concealed under rug-

Artemis III: Acid?

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -reattaches chandelier to ceiling properly, covers opening to fire ant nest, removes cutting of Devils Snare from bedside table, disables flamethrower shower-head, and removes Purple, Brain Eating Slug Bug from under pillow-

Artemis III: O.o

Purple, Brain Eating Slug Bug: I will eat your brains!

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Not now, Bob.

Purple, Brain Eating Slug Bug: -puppy dog eyes- Cookie?

_Voice Over: Will Holly, Artemis II and Artemis III live? Will Fido return? Will the Authoress be able to get the acid stains out of the floor? Will Bob get his cookie? All your questions will be answered when we return after these messages._

Random Guy (Yes, him): Welcome back to "Temptation!" We are down to our last round and our final Contestants are... Foaly!

Foaly: -waves-

Random Guy: Opal Koboi!

Opal: -waves-

Random Guy: Annnnnnnnd... Lily Frond!

Lily: -waves- Oh my god I chipped a nail!

Random Guy: And now, our final question... What is 256087 multiplied by 687453.2?

Foaly and Opal: -press buzzer at the same time- 176666535508.4!!!

Random Guy: I'm sorry, that was a tie, so we're going to have to give Lily a different question.

Lily: -fling nails and chewing gum-

Random Guy: Lily, if you get this question correct, you will win a lot of money.

Lily: -pops gum- Whatever.

Random Guy: Lily, what is one plus one?

Lily: Uhhh... five?

Random Guy: CORRECT!!

Foaly and Opal: -gapes like goldfish-

Audience: -looking confused but clapping anyway-

Opal: -faints out of annoyance-

Foaly: Noooooo, Opal, my one true love! (A/N: Not quite, but they ARE both genii)

_Voice Over: And now, back to our program._

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Since I'm not allowed to kill of Artemis Fowl III, I'm getting rid of the Voice Over guy.

_Voice Over: What? Noooooooooo! –gets dragged away- You won't get away with this!_

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: And I'm afraid, I'll have to kill off one of my other characters.

Readers Who Care: Oh my gosh! Not Artemis II or Holly!

Readers Who Don't Care: Bring it on.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: I won't be able to tell you, but there was just a shoot-out at the hospital.

Readers With Half A Brain: -gasp- The DOCTOR!

Readers Without Half A Brain: -sitting in chair, completely brain-dead-

Artemis II, III and Holly: -hurry to hospital-

_The Hospital..._

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: I was just informed that I need to get rid of more characters, so the person who does the italic letters will have to go as well.

_What? Noooooooooooooo!_

Artemis II: -sees the doctor- Oh my gosh!

Artemis II, III and Holly: -run over to the doctor-

Doctor: -bleeding from a bullet wound in the heart- Artemis II, Artemis III, Holly... I've been told that you won't be killed off...

Artemis II: Just keep breathing, doctor, tell me who treats bullet wounds in this hospital.

Doctor: Me.

Artemis II: -swears angrily-

Doctor: I'm not long for this fic...

Artemis II: -still not crying, thanks to macho-ness- Doctor, tell me, what is your real name?

Doctor: I never wanted to tell you, I was afraid you'd laugh at me...

Holly: Doctor, we'd never laugh at you!

Doctor: OK... my name is Drew. Drew Peacock.

Holly: -blinks- Drew Peacock.

Artemis II, III and Holly: -start laughing hysterically-

Doctor (Drew Peacock): I knew you'd laugh at me... goodbye my fellow castmates... –dies-

Readers Who Like The Doctor: Noooooooooo!

Readers Who Don't Get The Drew Peacock Joke: We don't get it.

Artemis III: Well, five characters have been taken off the series, so I think there's no reason for me to-

Grand Piano: -falls through ceiling and crushes Artemis III-

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Oops. My bad.

Artemis (We no longer have to call him Artemis II, hallelujah!): I know I should feel sad, but I don't.

Holly: Me either, he was an arrogant little twerp.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: I'm glad that we're all agreed on that fact.

Readers Who Notice Things: Oh my gosh, Holly didn't faint this chapter! It's a new record!

Holly: -is hit by some random object and falls unconscious-

Readers Who Notice Things: Damn.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Well, just like all soap operas, we kill off characters and then bring in new ones to take their place! So, now I present to you... The new Voice Over and Guy Who Does The Italics!

_Hi there_

_Voice Over: Glad to be here!_

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Well, that's the end of this episode, tune in next week for... Oh Voice Over, it's your line.

_Voice Over: Tune in next week when... Someone dies, someone takes drugs and someone else gets pregnant. Just like all soap operas._

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Perfectly executed, Voice Over! And it's all thanks to me! Everyone, you are free to bask in my glory.

Everyone (including Holly, who's miraculously woken up): -looks at each other, then walks away-

Fido: -opens door- Hi all! I'm back from France! Did you miss me?

Readers Who Thought The Authoress Had Eaten Fido In A Hot Dog: O.o

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: As if! I have to keep Fido to ensure I have a cliffhanger! You won't know what happens until next chapter, just like all soap operas! Won't that be fun?

Impatient Readers: Grrrrr.

Not-impatient Readers: Meh. I can wait.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Until next time!

THE END?

**(A/N: Still not the end. Soap opera series never finish because they keep bringing in new characters. Wouldn't it be nice if all the characters went to Barbados by airplane and then the plane crashed into the ocean? Ahhh... the possibilities XD Review for me and your review will be greeted with a "SQUEEEEEEE!") **


	5. ChapterTitleTooLongToFitHere

**(Disclaimer: Arty an' all those other people belong to the one and only... Eoin Colfer. Hooray everyone)**

**(A/N: To my wonderful reviewers: You were all most definitely greeted with a "SQUEEEEEE!" I'd like to send you all bunnies and chocolate, but they won't fit in my fax machine XD READ ON MY LOVE MUFFINS!)**

**Global Warming, Paralysis and Anti-Climatic Events**

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: OK, I'm officially declaring war on global warming because it's screwing up my tan. The Ozone layer's going to leave us and then we'll all burn to death because the sun's rays will break through the atmosphere unless we make some kind of tinfoil tent which will stop suns rays and probing rays just like Foaly's hat. So I'll build a tinfoil house and live in there until night, and then everyone will build tinfoil houses, and we'll also have to cover tinfoil factories with tinfoil otherwise they'll burn. So I'm declaring war on global warming on those grounds and the fact it's screwing up my tan.

All: -blinks-

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: We can forget about Iceland melting for the moment and we'll get on with this chapter.

_Fowl Manor..._

Artemis: Holly, will you hurry up please? We're meant to be at the restaurant in ten minutes!

Holly: -on a ladder- I'll be there in a minute, let me just finish polishing this lightbulb.

Readers: -groan- Can't the Authoress think of something slightly more imaginative?

Artemis: -closes front door-

Holly: Whoa, this ladder is a bit unsteady...

Readers: -roll eyes-

Ladder: -topples over-

Holly: -falls to floor and is unconscious-

Readers: AGAIN?

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Yes, again. It's what people ask for, and Holly is a drama queen, so BUZZ OFF if you don't like it! Sorry I'm in a bad mood with the whole global warming thing.

Artemis: -opens door again- Holly? You done yet? –sees Holly on floor- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOLLY MY ONE TRUE LOVE!!

_Later at the Hospital..._

New Doctor: -comes in- I am the new doctor.

Artemis: Doctor, help my wife!

Holly: -wakes up suddenly- -sees Doctor- Oh my god, who are you?

Doctor: That doesn't matter, Holly. Now tell me, can you move your feet?

Holly: -tries- No, I can't! –panicky- Doctor, what's wrong with me?

Doctor: It's your spine, you hit it pretty hard when you fell.

Artemis: What does that mean? Is she going to die?

Doctor: I'm afraid she's paralysed from the waist down.

Holly: Oh my god!

Doctor: You may never walk again.

Holly: Oh my god, NOOOOOOO! No this can't happen to me! No, no, no, no!!

Doctor: I'm sorry. I'll leave you to two... –leaves-

Holly: -sobbing- The irony! It's not fair!

Artemis: It's OK, Holly, I'll look after you.

Holly: -smiles slightly- Really?

Artemis: Well, in real life, If a man was married to someone who was paralysed from the waist down, then he couldn't (THIS SENTENCE HAS BEEN BLIPPED FOR THE INTEREST OF YOUNGER READERS) and so what he'd really say is "No (blip), I will not stay with you! How the hell am I meant to (blip) you when you can't move your legs?" But this is a soap opera, and I am an actor.

Readers and Holly: -blinks-

Holly: Sooooo... You'll stay with me?

Artemis: -sighs- Yes, I will, but only because I love you.

Readers: Awwww... –have lovely mental images of Holly and Artemis skipping though a field of daisies... to be replaced by an image of Artemis pushing Holly along in a wheelchair and dumping her in a river- Wait...

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Well, people are asking for melodrama, and that's what I'm giving. –watches her Microsoft Office Word Assistant chase butterflies- I'm sorry, where were we?

_Fowl Manor..._

Artemis: Here Holly, let me help you into bed.

Holly: -gets lifted into bed by Artemis-

Artemis: Now, if there's anything you want, just tell me and I'll get it for you.

Holly: OK. –goes to sleep-

_Later..._

Holly: Artemis?

Artemis: Hrrrmg?

Holly: Can you get me some strawberries?

Artemis: Huurgh... –gets out of bed and stumbles out of the room-

_A Few Minutes Later..._

Artemis: -returns with big bowl of strawberries-

Holly: -eats strawberries and goes to sleep-

_Later..._

Holly: Artemis?

Artemis: Hrrrmg?

Holly: Can you get me some Kiwi Fruit?

Artemis: Huurgh... –gets out of bed and stumbles out of the room-

_A Few Minutes Later..._

Artemis: -returns with platter of sliced Kiwi Fruit-

Holly: -eats Kiwi and goes back to sleep-

_Later..._

Holly: Artemis?

Artemis: Hrrrmg?

Holly: Can you get me some Mango, Dragonfruit, Lycees and Pomegranate?

Artemis: Huurgh... –gets out of bed and stumbles out of room-

_A Few Minutes Later..._

Artemis: -returns with GIGANTIC bowl of Mango, Dragonfruit, Lycees and Pomegranate-

Holly: -starts eating the delicious yummy scrumptious GORGEOUS fruit- (A/N: I've got a craving for fruits right now...)

Artemis: What's with this sudden obsession with fruits?

Holly: -mouth full of Mango- I'm not sure, the last time I had cravings like this was when...

–GASP-

Artemis: What is it?

Holly: I just realised something...

_Voice Over: Our program will return after these messages._

Readers: -GASP- You actually thought of a cliffhanger that was interesting, so now we're hanging on the edge DYING to know what happens!

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Heh heh, I am evil aren't I?

Tired, Impatient Readers: -cries because of over-readingness and tiredness- Please tell us what happens!

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: No thanks, I'm writing the screenplay for a soap opera, and I'm good at making you wait.

Readers: -with guns- How about now?

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: I'm wearing a Kevlar vest. –Eternity Code parody happens here and Authoress is in a coma-

_Voice Over: These messages were interrupted by some sort of catastrophe happening, and now the program is back._

Artemis: What have you realised?

Holly: The last time I had cravings for fruit like this was when I was... PREGNANT!

Artemis: -GASP- -faints-

Readers Who Are A Little Bit Clueless: WHOA!

Readers Who Had Already Guessed: -rolls eyes-

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -has miraculously awoken from coma- Yes, indeed something has happened. –realises what she has just said made no sense at all, and leaves to play on her trampoline-

_Later At The Hospital..._

Doctor: Holly, you are indeed pregnant.

Holly: How can I give birth when I can't feel below my waist?

Doctor: The baby will be delivered by caesarean section in five months.

Artemis: She was four months pregnant and we didn't know?

Holly: That's true, Artemis and I haven't... –drifts off and eyes widen-

Artemis: -GASP- Holly, were you having an affair?

Readers: -GASP-

Holly: -starts crying- It was a one-night thing, Artemis! I really and truly love you!

Artemis: I forgive you Holly, but only because this is a soap opera.

Holly: -sobs quietly-

Artemis: And wouldn't that fall have harmed the baby?

Doctor: I'm afraid it might have, the ultrasound couldn't tell us, but you may give birth to another man's retarded child, Holly.

Readers: -snigger-

Artemis: And who was that other man, Holly?

Holly: Trouble Kelp...

Artemis: -looks really angry but doesn't do anything because this is a fanfic and a soapie-

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -realises she hasn't been mentioned in a while, so comes in to induce some kind of soap-opera cliché scenario-

Trouble Kelp: -comes in- Holly! I just heard the good news! –sees Artemis- What's he doing here?

Holly: -groans-

Artemis: -looks really angry-

Trouble: Holly?

Holly: This is my husband.

Trouble: So you weren't single when we...

Holly: -nods miserably-

Trouble: Well then... I think you'll have to have an abortion.

Holly: What? No!

Artemis: -shields Holly with his body- This is as much as my child as it is yours, Kelp.

Trouble: Up yours, Fowl. This is my kid.

Doctor: And it may even be retarded.

Readers: -snigger-

Trouble: What?

Holly: I fell off a ladder, so the baby may be retarded. Also, I will never walk again.

Artemis: Yeah, Holly, you really should have an abortion. I refuse to raise a retarded child.

Holly: -gapes like goldfish- Um, Authoress? I never thought I'd say this, but will you please help me?

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -dancing to "Love Don't Let Me Go" by David Guetta- Hey, there's nothing I can do.

Holly: Yeah there is, you can make some sort of anti-climatic scene happen so that Trouble leaves and I am able to walk and I don't have a retarded baby.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -checking her notes- Well, I can make most of that happen with an anti-climatic scene, except for the retarded baby bit.

Holly: -groans- So I HAVE to have a retarded baby?

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Well, do you honestly want a baby?

Holly: Not really. Why?

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Oh, no reason... Can I go and finish the fruit salad that you stopped eating?

Holly: OK.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Cool. Yum, Kiwi fruit.

Lozza: You're allergic to Kiwi fruit! (A/N: She's just here because she's the only one who knows this. She won't appear anywhere else)

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Oh yeah. –starts clawing at throat and collapses to ground- AARKK!! I'M DYING!!

Holly: Someone has to save her! Otherwise I'm going to remain paralysed and I'll give birth to a retarded baby!

Artemis and Trouble: -stop wrestling and help the Authoress... I don't know... get better or something. There's no cure for this damn allergy!!-

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -is all better- OK, go to a commercial and I'll brief all these others on just how we're going to overcome this problem, paralysis and retarded baby. Except for you, Trouble. –shoots Trouble in the head-

_Voice Over: We'll be back after these messages._

Random Guy: The new sports drink! Delicious and nutritious! Tastes just like chicken! –drinks some- -spits it out- WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME!? THIS HAS LUMPS OF CHICKEN FLOATING IN IT!!

_Voice Over: Okkaaaaaay, that didn't go exactly as planned. Back to our program._

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Well then, we're going to make this about as anti-climatic as possible, so Holly, try to walk.

Holly: -gets helped up by Artemis- -takes some unsteady steps- Oh my gosh, I can walk again!

Readers: -cheer-

Doctor: Holly, I'm afraid that you have had a miscarriage.

Holly: -fake sobs- Oh what a shame!

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: I know that's kind of tragic, but lots of tragedy scenes happen in soap operas, so I'm just treating you to... to... my train of thought just ran out of gas, so I won't bother finishing this sentence.

Holly: Well, I can walk again, even though that has been marred by my miscarriage.

Artemis: Doctor, you were introduced in a very non-dramatic way, who are you?

Doctor: I am Drew Peacock's clone.

Artemis: Oh.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: That wasn't very dramatic either. Life goes on, though.

Readers: Wait! In the final voice over in the last episode, you said someone would die, someone would take drugs and someone else would get pregnant!

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Trouble died, and Holly got pregnant. Artemis, eat this. –gives him a tablet of some type-

Artemis: -eats the tablet- This is a childs vitamin.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Hey, call it whatever you want, but it's a centimetre wide and tastes funny, so I'm calling it a drug.

Holly: Well then, lets think of a cliffhanger so that the readers will have to wait to see what happens.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: If I get enough reviews, of course.

Holly: Of course.

Artemis: Well, how about Holly faints?

Holly: It's all about me fainting, isn't it? How about YOU faint for a change?

Artemis: Men don't faint.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: They do now. –punches Artemis in the head-

Artemis: -collapses-

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: OK, now I'm going to have a vote. If you want Artemis to have cancer, do say so in your review. If you'd like him to have a heart attack, you say that. And if you'd like him to be adopted, you tell me that as well. If you'd like all those things to happen to him, say that. I'm eager for any kind of response.

Holly: -blinks-

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Until the next episode!

**The End?!?**

**(A/N: Still not the end, because soap operas can go on for years without being taken off the air. Please vote for your favourite kind of cliché tragedy by reviewing, even if you aren't going to read the next chapter. **

**The "Drew Peacock" joke is in fact very funny, but I'm worried that nobody got that joke... so please review and tell me if you got it, and if you didn't I'll tell you.**

**P.S I'm going camping for a week, so don't expect any review replies anytime soon. I promise I will, though!**

**Sovrani)**


	6. A Trilogy Of Unfortunate Events

**(Disclaimer: I don't own)**

**(A/N: OK, I'm back. It wasn't quite a week, but five days is enough for someone like me, who has mental attachments to their computer or the internet.**

**I hate camping. I hate camping outdoors, indoors or on trampolines. I hate camping under trees, near water or on the moon. I HATE camping. But there's one thing I hate a little more than camping.**

**Mosquitoes.**

**I hate Mosquitoes. I hate them. I HATE them. I got eighty three Mosquito bites. That's right, EIGHTY THREE. You may not believe me, and I wouldn't blame you, but they're there. All down my arms and up my legs and in places I don't even want to MENTION. **

**THANK YOU REVIEWERS!! When I returned from my... trip... feeling terrible, I found all of these lovely reviews!!**

**Due to popular demand, I have put together this lovely little chapter, in which Artemis has a few little shocks... but I won't say anymore. Mwa ha ha ha.**

**Also: Fantastical, Genius Authoress will not be appearing as much in this chapter. She's taking too much out of the story. Let's just pretend she went to hospital because she was bitten by too many Mosquitoes and had an extreme allergic reaction. Actually, you won't have to pretend. –faints-**

**READ ON!!)**

**A Trilogy of Unfortunate Events**

Doctor: Artemis, I have some terrible news.

Artemis: What is it? Please don't tell me that I have testicular cancer again!

Doctor: Artemis, you are adopted.

Artemis: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Doctor: Your parents are in fact giraffes.

Artemis: Then why aren't I a giraffe?

Doctor: Aren't you..? –holds up mirror-

Artemis: -inspects himself in mirror- Nope, I'm human.

Doctor: Ah, yes. Hrmm, I think I need glasses.

Holly: I've been married to a son of a giraffe for over nine years? What the hell is the world coming to?

Artemis: What happened to my real parents?

Doctor: You shot them on last-years safari drive.

Artemis: I killed my own parents!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Holly: Oh my god, Artemis, we ATE them!

Artemis: I ATE THEM TOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Doctor: I think you two should go home.

Holly and Artemis: -leaves-

_Fowl Manor..._

Artemis: I can't believe I ate my own parents!

Holly: Hush, my love, I'm sure they weren't really your parents...

Ghost Giraffe: -appears-

Artemis: OH MY GOD!

Ghost Giraffe: Artemis...

Artemis: -in very high-pitched voice- Me?

Ghost Giraffe: I have come for you, my son...

Artemis: OH MY GOD! –has a heart attack and faints-

Holly: Artemis, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ghost Giraffe: Is he OK?

Holly: What? Foaly! That was you?

Ghost Giraffe (AKA Foaly): Yeah it's me. God, what happened to him?

Holly: He just had a heart attack because he thought that the ghost of his mum or dad had come to get him! I hope you're happy!

Foaly: His parents are Giraffes?

Holly: Just help me get him to hospital.

_Later, At The Hospital..._

Artemis: -wakes up- Eurgh, what happened?

Doctor: Good, you're awake. Just lie still, you had a heart attack, we're doing tests to check for any permanent damage.

Holly: Oh Artemis, thank goodness you're awake! –hugs him-

Doctor: Oh no...

Artemis: What is it, doctor?

Doctor: Artemis, you're pregnant.

Artemis: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Wait, I can't be pregnant.

Doctor: Ah yes, sorry, I really do need glasses. I'm sorry, Artemis you have cancer.

Artemis: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Is it testicular cancer?

Doctor: No, it's regular kind.

Artemis: Good, But still, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I HAVE CANCER NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Holly: Oh Artemis! –throws arms around her sobbing husband- Doctor, when do you operate?

Doctor: Tonight, at eight o'clock.

Artemis: But there's a good movie on at eight!

Doctor: You're right, we'll operate at seven, then we'll go out to see the movie.

_That Night, Eight O'clock..._

Doctor: Screwdriver...

Nurse: -hands doctor screwdriver-

Doctor: Drill...

Nurse: -hands doctor drill-

Doctor: Chainsaw...

Nurse: -hands doctor chainsaw-

Readers: What?

Doctor: Finished! And there you have you're own treehouse!

Readers: Get to the freaking point!

Doctor: Right...

Artemis: -is under anaesthetic-

Doctor: Scalpel...

Nurse: -hands doctor scalpel-

Doctor: Wipe...

Nurse: -wipes doctors forehead with sponge-

Doctor: Mashed potato...

Nurse: -hands doctor mashed potato-

Doctor: Yummy...

Readers: O.o

Doctor: I didn't get to eat before making the treehouse!

Readers: -rolls eyes-

_Back To The Operation..._

Nurse: Doctor, watch what you're doing!

Doctor: Oops...

Nurse: You CUT OFF Mr. Fowl's testicle!

Doctor: Oops...

Nurse: He didn't HAVE testicular cancer, doctor!

Doctor: Oops...

Nurse: What do we do now?

Doctor: I can graft it back on...

Nurse: Good.

_A Little Later..._

Nurse: DOCTOR! THE TESTICLE DOES NOT BELONG UNDER THE ARMPIT!!

Doctor: Oops...

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -limps inside, covered in red spots- I'm returning briefly to point something out... The Doctor has mentioned several times that he needs glasses, and he does indeed need them, but he just doesn't want to get them because in soap operas, the doctors are really hot and don't wear glasses. Just so you know that now. –limps away again-

_Later..._

Artemis: -wakes up-

Holly: Oh good, Artemis you're awake.

Artemis: Did they get rid of the cancer?

Holly: Yes, but they got rid of something else as well...

Artemis: What are you talking abo-? OH MY GOD! MY TESTICLE!

Holly: I'm so sorry Artemis, the doctor is getting fitted for his contact lenses now.

Artemis: I'm going to kill that doctor!

Holly: Artemis, you're alive, isn't that all that matters!

Artemis: Yes, but I only have one testicle!

Holly: Well, that means we can't have any more children!

Artemis: So it means we can still...

Holly: Yes, we can.

Artemis: Oh good. I don't really need two testicles, one is enough. It would be a good conversation starter at parties.

Holly: Er, Artemis, I don't think-

Doctor: OK! I have contacts now so, it's impossible for me to make mistakes now. After all, I am a doctor. Artemis, how are you feeling?

Holly: Artemis is over there, doctor, I'm Holly.

Doctor: Really? I always thought you were Artemis... Oh well.

Nurse: Doctor, I love you!

Holly: Oh yeah, well back off, you fat cow, he's mine!

Artemis: Holly!

Holly: Honey, shut up.

Artemis: Yes dear.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -limps in again- Well, this is how all soap operas turn out, don't they? Horrible, terrible tragedies that always work out fine somehow.

Artemis: -with machine gun- EVERYBODY GET ON THE FLOOR!!

**The End?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!**

**(A/N: Still not the end! And there will never be until the end of time or the end of my life or when I have writers block. This chapter was a bit shorter than the others, sorry about that. Review to tell me you feel sorry for me, or whether you liked the chapter. Please don't flame, they're worse for me than mosquito bites. LOVE YOU ALL!!**

**Sovrani)**


	7. Amnesiacs, Children and Brain Tumours

**(Disclaimer: I have a confession. I am in fact Eoin Colfer in disguise as a little girl. –pulls off mask- **

**Actually, I'm not Eoin Colfer disguised as a little girl, I'm actually Eoin Colfer disguised as a little girl disguised as a horse. –pulls off mask- **

**Actually, I'm Eoin Colfer disguised as a little girl disguised as a horse disguised as a dragon. –pulls off mask- **

**But I'm really Eoin Colfer disguised as a little girl disguised as a horse disguised as a dragon in a gorilla costume. –pulls off mask- **

**I'm actually Eoin Colfer disguised as a little girl disguised as a horse disguised as a dragon in a gorilla costume, who is actually disguised as a giraffe. –pulls off mask-**

**But I'm ACTUALLY Eoin Colfer disguised as a little girl disguised as a horse disguised as a dragon in a gorilla costume who is actually disguised as a giraffe who is in fact only a fanfic writer with a big imagination, who's name is in fact Sovrani and is not Eoin Colfer, nor does she own any of his characters)**

**(A/N: Apologies for the long Disclaimer, I was really getting into it. Thank you reviewers! I love you guys soooooooooooooooooooooooo much!! This chapter does not follow on from the last one, because in soap operas they never do. Read and Review for me, or you can just stop reading now and hit the review button already and just tell me that you loved it and you'll send me a million dollars if I write another chapter for you)**

**Amnesiacs, Children and Brain Tumours**

_Fowl Manor..._

Holly: Artemis, you need to take it easy for a while. You just came out of surgery.

Artemis: Don't remind me. I lost a testicle, remember?

Holly: How could I forget? I'll go get you a cup of Earl Grey tea.

Artemis: No, don't worry about that, I've got a really good idea...

Holly: Artemis, you heard what the doctor said-

Artemis: The blind one?

Holly: Yes, well he said that with your little... accident... you should stay away from hard core-

Artemis: Oh come on, what could happen?

Holly: You might have a seizure.

Artemis: Who cares? Look, I get something, and so do you, so what's the problem?

Holly: I'll tell you what the problem is! –collapses suddenly-

Readers: -rolls eyes-

Artemis: Noooooo, Holly! –tries to get up, but can't due to severed testicle-

Readers: -snigger-

_Later, at the hospital..._

Artemis: Doctor, my wife fainted!

Doctor: Again?

Artemis: Yes, again. And I couldn't help her due to my severed testicle, so now I fear there may be some permanent damage!

Doctor: I have to disagree with you, Mr. Fowl, even though you are a genius and are probably right, but this is a soap opera and I am an actor playing a Doctor, and Doctors in soap operas are stuck up and arrogant, and always think they're right.

Artemis: So, what then?

Doctor: I get you to take Holly home, she wakes up and you realise that she DOES have some kind of permanent damage, you bring her back to me and I have to eat my words and pay you some money for the treatment.

Artemis: OK, I'll see you when I realise there is something wrong with Holly.

Doctor: Toodles!

Artemis: -leaves-

_Later, At Fowl Manor..._

Holly: -GASP- -wakes up-

Artemis: Holly, thank goodness you're awake!

Holly: What's awake? And who's Goodness? Who am I?

Artemis: You're Holly...

Holly: Oh. Then who are you? Are you also Holly?

Artemis: -begins to suspect that there is something very wrong with Holly- I'm Artemis.

Holly: Oh. How do I know you, Artemis?

Artemis: I'm your husband...

Holly: Oh, are you? What's that?

Artemis: We're married.

Holly: What's that?

Artemis: -avoids question- How hard did you hit your head when you fell?

Holly: What's a head?

Artemis: It's this. –points to Holly's head-

Holly: Oh, did I hit my head?

Artemis: Yes, when you fainted.

Holly: What's fainted?

Artemis: I think you have amnesia.

Holly: What's that?

Artemis: It's a mental problem when you forget everything.

Holly: Oh.

Artemis: Do you think you have amnesia?

Holly: I don't remember.

_Later, At the Hospital..._

Artemis: Doctor, Holly has amnesia!

Doctor: Oh.

Artemis: Would you like your words fried or stewed?

Doctor: What?

Artemis: You said that you'll end up eating your words.

Doctor: -rolls eyes-

Artemis: How can we cure Holly's amnesia?

Doctor: We can't.

Artemis: WHAT? But this is serious!

Holly: -points at Doctor- Who are you? –points at curtains- What's that thing?

Artemis: You see?

Doctor: I'm afraid Holly has the contagious kind of amnesia, you may catch it from her.

Artemis: You can't catch amnesia.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: You can now.

Doctor: You might catch it.

Artemis: So I can't go near my wife?

Doctor: No, you can't.

Artemis: Can it be cured?

Doctor: No, she has to gradually get her memories back.

Artemis: GREAAAAT.

_Later, at Fowl Manor..._

Holly: So, Artemis, I'm your wife?

Artemis: Yes.

Holly: What do I do?

Artemis: Nothing, just yet, I need to find a way to restore your memories.

Holly: Oh.

_Awkward Silence..._

Holly: Do you want me to wash your feet?

Artemis: What?

_Later..._

Artemis: -watches Holly while she's sleeping-

Holly: -is really beautiful and peaceful when she's sleeping-

Artemis: -forgets the Doctors warnings and kisses Holly-

Readers: -GASP-

Artemis: Who am I? Who is this?

Readers: -GASP- He has amnesia now!!

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -rolls eyes- Maybe I should stop writing now or everyone will wet their pants. I don't know what you guys would do without me.

_Later..._

Doctor: Artemis, Holly, please stop eating the furniture.

Holly: But Artemis said the chair was edible.

Artemis: I did.

Holly: What's edible?

Artemis: I don't remember.

Doctor: This is serious, you two are suffering from severe amnesia.

Holly: We're not suffering, we're enjoying ourselves.

Doctor: I'm going to give you two some medicine, and hopefully it will get rid of the amnesia.

Artemis: Is the medicine in a needle?

Doctor: Yes.

Artemis: Does the needle go in the arm?

Doctor: No, it goes in the anus.

Artemis: I can't remember where that is, so I'll be exited anyway.

Holly: Hey Artemis, is THIS edible?

Artemis: I think so.

Doctor: Ah! Not my contact lenses!!

_Later..._

Artemis and Holly: -emerge from hospital room rubbing backsides-

Doctor: Thank you, come again!

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Their time with amnesia was fairly short, a lot of very entertaining things could have happened while they were in that kind of state, but I'm having an unimaginative evening and I can't think of anything to write.

Artemis and Holly: -drive back to Fowl manor-

Holly: It's good not to have amnesia any more.

Artemis: It is. And my testicle has healed sufficiently.

Holly: -rolls eyes-

Artemis: Is the door open?

Holly: Oh no! I hope we weren't robbed!

Artemis: Let's find out. –starts down the hallway, Mission Impossible style, complete with theme music-

Suspicious Silhouette: -is rummaging through the fridge-

Artemis: -looks at Holly, raises finger to lips and motions to turn on the light-

Holly: -throws light switch-

Suspicious Silhouette: -spins around-

_Voice Over: Our program will return after these messages._

_­_Readers Who Are Imaginative and Know the Artemis Fowl Books Well: It's Mulch, isn't it?

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Nope.

Readers Who Know About the Authoresses Random Ways Well: Duh, she wouldn't be that obvious. This is a Soapie.

Opal Koboi: According to research done by morons with degrees, the number one shampoo for fighting dandruff, itchiness, dryness and other things that occur naturally when you have too much product in your hair, is Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes by Koboi Labs. To show off our product, we're filming a person we have never met in our lives, acting perfectly naturally.

Juliet: And then Jen said...

Lily Frond: -turns around, though consequentially flipping her hair... "naturally"- What did you say? I couldn't hear you because my hair is so thick and shiny! It smells great too!

Juliet: I've noticed! What shampoo do you use?

Lily: I use Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes by Koboi Labs. It's the best shampoo for my, or anybody else's hair!

Juliet: I should go and buy some right now!!

Lily: Cool! Afterwards, how about we go rollerskating and pick up some guys?

Juliet: Totally!

_Voice Over: And now, back to our program._

Suspicious Silhouette: -is in fact a small girl-

Artemis: Who are you?

Suspicious Silhouette Who Is In Fact a Small Girl: Didn't the doctor tell you?

Holly: Tell us what?

Suspicious Silhouette Who Is In Fact a Small Girl: Artemis, Holly... I'm your daughter.

Artemis: -stares-

Holly: -stares-

Suspicious Silhouette Who Is In Fact a Small Girl: What?

Artemis: -clutches chest and falls backwards-

Holly: Artemis, No!

Readers Who Are Tired Of This Particular Scenario: -rolls eyes-

_Later, at the Hospital..._

Holly: Doctor, please help my husband!

Doctor: I'll do the best that I can.

Suspicious Silhouette Who Is In Fact a Small Girl: So, Holly can I discuss something with you?

Holly: Sure, we'll start with, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

Suspicious Silhouette Who Is In Fact a Small Girl: I'm your daughter.

Holly: Impossible, I've had a son and a miscarriage, and Artemis is missing a testicle, so we can't have any more children.

Suspicious Silhouette Who Is In Fact a Small Girl: I mean, I'm your adopted daughter.

Holly: Oh... What? I didn't adopt anyone.

Doctor: -comes out of room- You had amnesia at the time, I just wanted to see you waste your money one something stupid.

Holly: I'm going to ignore that comment and ask you what's wrong with my husband.

Doctor: Artemis has a brain tumour.

Holly: Oh no... Can you remove it?

Doctor: Yes, or we can just leave it until the tumour takes over his brain and he becomes a vegetable. Either way it'll cost you seven thousand dollars.

Holly: Seven thousand dollars?! I don't have that kind of money! Unless...

Suspicious Silhouette Who Is In Fact a Small Girl: Meep.

Holly: -kills Suspicious Silhouette Who Is In Fact a Small Girl with machete and claims 7,000 bucks reward... somehow-

Holly: OK, now remove the tumour.

Doctor: Artemis got better on his own. But I'll take the money.

Holly: Oh Artemis!

Artemis: Oh Holly!

-incredibly mushy scene here-

**THE END... **

**OR IS IT?**

**(A/N: STILL not the end. Sorry y'all! **

**I have just made a very important discovery!**

**According to page 121 of "Artemis Fowl and the Lost Colony" chapter 5, Imprisoned (depending on what kind of copy of the book you have, of course) there is a short passage on which Minerva tells her "Quark" joke, and at the end she laughs, dislodging her _glasses. _And I quote:**

_**The girl chuckled gently, causing her glasses to slip down again. **_

**Of course I have always known this, but it only just struck me that Mary Sue's are absolutely perfect in every way, thus they do not have glasses.**

**So I have to come to the conclusion that Minerva is in fact NOT a Mary Sue, because she wears glasses. Though I may be wrong, because there are few mentions of Minerva's glasses in the rest of the book.**

**So no more paying her out about being a Mary Sue, because she unfortunately isn't one. –starts muttering and grumbling to self in annoyance because she hates Minerva and thinks she should burn and die-**

**Inspiration comes in many shapes and forms. And one certain stimuli for MY inspiration is reviews. Give me LOTS AND LOTS of "inspiration" for another chapter.**

**There have been requests for me to explain about the Drew Peacock joke, so here it is: You have to say it out loud, and as one word; "DrewPeacock." "Droopy..." get it now? Ha ha ha.**

**Sovrani)**


	8. Unfaithful Men and Crossovers

**(Disclaimer: I don't own anything but whatever plot that might exist)**

**(A/N: 40 REVIEWS?!? I love my reviewers. I love them. I'd send you muffins but I don't have that kind of money on an unemployed thirteen-year-old student's income. I'm broke, and the only thing I can do to rid me of my misery and thoughts of mosquito bites is write my fics and eat lots of chocolate. Then I start thinking of IT and freak out and hide in my room. Has anyone seen that movie? It's really weird and I now have a fear of clowns)**

**Unfaithful Men and Crossovers**

_Fowl Manor..._

Holly: -is out at the supermarket-

Artemis: -is home alone-

Doorbell: -rings-

Artemis: I'll get it! –remembers that he's the only one at home and is glad that nobody witnessed his mistake-

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: But I was here! Bwahaha!

Artemis: -ignores nosy Authoress and answers the door-

Minerva: Hi Artemis.

Artemis: Minerva? It's uh... nice to see you...

Minerva: May I come in?

Artemis: Sure. –lets her in-

Minerva: -gives him a coy look-

Artemis: Uh... no glasses, that's a change.

Minerva: I don't need them anymore.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: SHE'S A MARY SUE AGAIN! –dances in circles- **(A/N: But she's still an immature brat. We shall forget that for this moment, and relive in the memories of Minerva being a Mary Sue! –relives memories of Minerva being a Mary Sue that SOMEHOW all end with Minerva burning and dying-) **

Artemis: So... uh...

Minerva: -kisses Artemis really hard and drags him into their bedroom-

-insert very passionate scene here-

_Half an Hour later..._

Minerva: -leaves-

Artemis: What have I done? –cries- I'm sorry Holly, I'm sorry!

Holly: Why are you sorry?

Artemis: Oh, no reason. –shifty eyes-

Holly: Hey what's this? –pulls pink bra off a chair-

Artemis: Er, it's yours isn't it?

Holly: It might be... OH MY GOSH! –pulls blonde hair off the bra-

Artemis: Er...

Holly: This is MINERVA'S hair!

Artemis: Er, it's yours isn't it?

Holly: Artemis, my hair is auburn, as mentioned about a million times in the books!

Artemis: Er...

Holly: I can't believe you'd do that to our marriage! You're such an ungrateful hypocrite!

Artemis: I may be ungrateful, but since when am I a hypocrite?

Holly: You told me you'd never date a stupid, blonde bimbo.

Artemis: Minerva is neither stupid nor a bimbo.

Holly: But she's blonde!

Artemis: Hair colour does NOT mean that she's unintelligent!

Holly: That's not the point! The point is: you're a hypocrite! It's so horrible I can't even explain it! It's like a cat who thinks he's a dog, or a dog that thinks he's a kangaroo, or a kangaroo that thinks he's Christina Aguilera!

Artemis: O.o

Holly: Get out of my house!

Artemis: Technically, this is MY house.

Holly: Not anymore! Get out!

Artemis: -leaves and joins travelling circus, but then quits the circus because he can't walk the tightrope-

_A Few Days Later..._

Holly: -is lying in bed, crying-

Rock: -taps against window-

Holly: -ignores-

Bigger Rock: -smacks against window-

Holly: -ignores-

Brick: -smashes through window-

Holly: Huh? –goes over to broken window-

Artemis: -is standing below window holding a shotput and looking as though he really needs a shave- Holly...

Holly: Artemis? What are you doing here?

Artemis: I came to apologise.

Holly: Go ahead then.

Artemis: I'm sorry.

Holly: Like you mean it.

Artemis: I'm sorry for cheating on you.

Holly: With whom?

Artemis: I'm sorry for cheating on you with a blonde-haired French girl.

Holly: Who is...?

Artemis: -sighs- A stupid Mary Sue.

Holly: And...?

Artemis: Please forgive me.

Holly: Pretty please.

Artemis: Pretty please.

Holly: Pretty please with a cherry on top.

Artemis: Pretty please with a cherry on top.

Holly: Pretty please with a cherry on top, ma'am.

Artemis: Pretty please with a cherry on top, ma'am.

Holly: Pretty please with a cherry-

Artemis: Holly, I love you more than anything. I'm sorry that I cheated on you with Minerva, I was blinded by her stunning-

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -COUGH- -COUGH- -COUGH-

Artemis: Well, she's actually really ugly... But I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Pretty please with a cherry on top, ma'am.

Holly: -heart melts on the spot- Oh Artemis, of COURSE I forgive you. –runs downstairs, and unlocks the front door-

Artemis: -looks sheepish-

Holly: -gives Artemis a BIG kiss-

Readers Who Are Bored Of Mushy Scenes: Can we please skip forward to some kind of disaster?

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: As you wish, my faithful readers.

Holly: You could really use a shower, Artemis...

_The Next Day..._

A Bomb: -hits the Hospital and everyone is in intensive care at... another hospital-

Random Squirrel: -is thrown in here for a bit of comic relief and starts doing a tap dance-

Grub: HE'S STEALING MY SCENE! –kicks Random Sqirrel-

Random Squirrel: I'm telling mummy!

Grub: Now he's stealing my lines too! –falls to knees in despair- WHY?

Random Squirrel: -backs away slowly-

Grub: -is crushed by a Hospital-

Hospital: -is full of patients who have bomb problems-

Patients: We are patients and we have bomb problems! Oh the agony! Oh the pain! Oh the TimTams!

Doctor: TimTams? Where??

Artemis and Holly: -runs in- We came as soon as we could!

Patients: But you guys aren't doctors!

Artemis: Which would you prefer? –points at doctor-

Doctor: -is sniffing all over the floor looking for TimTams-

Patients: Arrgh, we're all going to hell.

Robot Devil: But you have to go through some tests before you enter hell! MWAHAHAH!

Bender: -runs in suddenly- OH. YOUR. GOD. It's the Robot Devil!

Fry: Ahhh!

Leela: -raises leg for karate kick and falls over-

Dr. House: -runs in, even though he has a limp and a walking stick- OHMYGOSH, You have a problem with your leg! It must be decapitated!

Leela: My leg is fine!

Patients: Noooooo, a proper doctor and he has insane mental problems and is probably in denial!

Dr. Cameron: Dr. House, I love you!

Dr. Chase: But I love you!

Cameron: Screw you, HOUSE IS MY LOVER!

House: -is chewing on his own leg- GNAHH!

Fry: That looks like fun! –starts chewing on arm- GNAHH!!

Cameron: OK, wanna go make out in the cupboard?

Chase: Sure.

Cameron and Chase: -leaves-

Artemis: -feels left out and starts chewing on his own hair-

Holly: -looks confused and sits down and does nothing-

Leela: Holly, isn't it?

Holly: Yeah, Leela, right?

Leela: That's me. Is that your husband over there?

Holly: -sighs- I'm afraid so.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: OK, we're just gonna skip past all this random stuff and crossovers. All the patients die, the Futurama and House characters leave, and everyone's happy.

Doctor: What about my TIMTAMS?!?

_To Be Continued..._

**(A/N: Is it the end? HELL IT ISN'T! Thank you to my regular readers, I'd list them, but I can't off the top of my head, because I HAVE NO TOP OF MY HEAD BECAUSE I'M MADE OF CHOCOLATE.**

**WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA**

**I need to start working on my other stories now.**

**Random Discovery: Peace Piece Pie YUMMY I like pie.**

**Sovrani)**


	9. The Dreaming

**(Disclaimer: Sometimes I can imagine myself owning Artemis Fowl, then reality takes hold. Oh, and the song I use briefly isn't mine either, but I don't know the name...)**

**(A/N: My reviewers and I have a wonderful relationship. They give me what I want, and in return they get a juicy chapter. It depends what kind of juice. I like apple and mango juice. But apple juice is OK. Orange juice is good too.**

**O.o**

**I'm just a little weird now)**

**The Dreaming**

_Last time on "Tragic Romances..."_

_Holly: How could you do this to us? How can you do this to your son?_

Artemis: I have no son.

_Holly: Noooooooooo!_

_Artemis: Well, I don't. He was crushed by a Grand Piano._

_Holly: Oh yeah..._

_Artemis: Ah, how obvious is your sudden but inevitable betrayal!_

_Butler: I think we can settle this, man to man..._

_Artemis: So be it..._

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: The above in fact never happened, but it's a good start to a chapter, right?

Readers: -rolls eyes- Will you just get on with it?

_Fowl Manor..._

**Artemis and Holly's bedroom...**

Artemis: -is asleep-

Holly: -has a stroke and dies-

Readers: O.O That was sudden.

Artemis: -wakes up- Holly?

Holly: -doesn't respond-

Artemis: NOOOO! SHE'S DEAD!!!

Holly: -still doesn't respond-

Artemis: HOLLY NOOOOOOOO!

Holly: -doesn't say anything this time around either-

Artemis: -sob-

Holly: Artemis... –got you, didn't I? She doesn't respond this time either-

_The next day..._

Artemis: I need to get a job. **(A/N: There must be something wrong with me today)**

Artemis: -goes to banana factory-

Banana Factory: -where people make bananas. Kind of funny, you can spell banana for ages. Banananananananananananananananananananana...-

Readers: -rolls eyes-

Banana Factory Man: Hello.

Artemis: I would like a job here.

Banana Factory Man: OK. –takes Artemis over to a shelf-

Artemis: What do I do?

Banana Factory Man: Sort the bananas and put them on this shelf.

Artemis: OK.

Banana Factory Man: -leaves-

Artemis: -picks up banana- This one's bent. –throws it away and picks up another- This one has a bruise. –throws it away and picks up another- This one's too green! –throws it away and picks up another- This one's an apple...

_A Few Hours Later..._

Banana Shelf: -has only one banana on it-

Banana Factory Man: What happened?

Banana Artemis: What do you mean?

Banana Factory Man: There's only one banana on the banana shelf!

Banana Artemis: The bananas were bad bananas.

Banana Factory Man: Grrrrr...

Banana Phone: -ring, ring!- **(A/N: Banana is the best word ever! RING RING! BANANA PHONE!)**

Banana Factory Man: You're FIRED!

_Later, at the Museum of Natural History..._

Security Banana Man: You want a job here? OK, you can start tonight. Here are the keys, here are the instructions, and don't let anything in or out.

Artemis: OK.

_Later that night..._

Banana Skeleton of Tyrannosaurus-Rex: -comes alive!-

Artemis: Ahhh! OK, OK, instructions... _Throw the banana. _OK, throw the banana. –throws the banana-

Banana Skeleton of Tyrannosaurus-Rex: -chases banana-

Artemis: OK, instructions... _Lock up the Banana Lions or they'll eat you._ Uh oh... –runs to Africa exhibit-

Banana Lions: BANANA ROAR!

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: I'll just stop with the banana thing now... And if you didn't know, almost half of this was stolen from "Night at the Museum."

Artemis: Oh no! –runs away and locks himself in another exhibit-

Wax Hippo: Hello.

Artemis: Ahhh!

Wax Hippo: Is something wrong? You look sad.

Artemis: My wife had a stroke and died and now I'm working here!

Wax Hippo: How about you turn into a Wax Hippo and marry me?

Artemis: Good idea! How do I turn into a Wax Hippo?

Wax Hippo: Eat this banana scented glue stick. **(A/N: Not quite done with the banana thing...)**

Artemis: -eats glue stick and turns into Wax Hippo- I'm a Wax Hippo now!

Wax Hippo: Yes. Yes, you are.

Artemis: And I'm married to you!

Wax Hippo: Yes. Yes, you are.

Artemis: Let's sing, honey!

Wax Hippo and Artemis: _I will survive! I will survive! As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive! I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give. I will survive! I will surviiiiiiiiive!!! _

Artemis: -wakes up and it was ALL a dream!-

Readers: O.o

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Where do you think I got the title "The Dreaming" from? Gosh!

Holly: -wakes up- Artemis? What's wrong?

Artemis: Oh Holly, you're still alive!

Holly: -shifty eyes- Yes. Yes, I am.

Artemis: Oh, what a frightening dream I had!

Holly: Was it a premonition?

Artemis: Who knows, Holly... who knows..?

Holly: ...

Artemis: ...

Holly: So...

Artemis: Yeah...

Holly: ...

Artemis: Let's go back to sleep now.

Holly: Yeah, let's do that.

Holly and Artemis: -go to sleep-

_The Next Day..._

Doctor: Holly, Artemis, I have no idea why I'm in your house, but I have some shocking news!

Holly: What is it, Doctor?

Doctor: Holly, you're pregnant.

Holly: But... Artemis can't... he doesn't have... –faints-

Readers Keeping Count: Well, Holly has now fainted seven times.

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Pfft, whatever.

_Later..._

Holly: -wakes up- Artemis...

Artemis: Ah, good, you're awake. I was getting worried.

Holly: Artemis, is it true? Am I really pregnant?

Artemis: While you were unconscious we did an ultrasound, and yes, you will give birth to a baby girl.

Holly: Oh no. –puts head in hands- How on Earth are we meant to raise a child? Our first one was crushed with a falling piano!

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -raises hand- Sorry. My bad.

Holly: We were such bad parents!

Artemis: But how did you get pregnant in the first place? I don't have a testicle.

Readers Who Never Get Tired of That: -sniggers-

Holly: Well... I never wanted to tell you, but... I've been cheating on you!

Artemis: -sighs-

Holly: I'm really sorry.

Artemis: Holly, that's not good enough. You cheated on me once before, and you fell pregnant, but I think you've gone too far...

Holly: What are you saying?

Artemis: Holly, I want a divorce.

_Voice Over: Our program will return after these messages._

Random Guy: Have you heard of the new, "Squeaky Clean?" Well, now you have! Squeaky Clean is the new revolutionised floor cleaning formula that removes stains before your eyes! And we're offering the whole Squeaky Clean cleaning basket for $39.95! That's right, only $39.95!

Lili Frond: What a great deal!

Random Guy: Call in the next ten minutes, and we'll throw in a pair of toilet cleaning gloves absolutely free!

Lili Frond: Free?! Wow!

Random Guy: But that's not all. Pay with your credit card, and we'll cut ten dollars off the price. That's right, the whole Squeaky Clean cleaning basket for only $29.95, and if you call in the next ten minutes, you receive a pair of toilet cleaning gloves absolutely free!

Lili Frond: I had better call right now! What's the number?

Random Guy: The number is 1800-pis-o-crap! Call now to take advantage of this fantastic deal! –cheesy smile- **(A/N: It's kind of sad that I've memorised advertisements like that, but I always knew they would come in handy!)**

_Voice Over: And now, back to our program._

Holly: A divorce? But Artemis... after all we've been through... can't you give me another chance?

Artemis: No Holly, I'm calling my lawyer in the morning.

Holly: But I didn't divorce YOU when you cheated with me!

Artemis: So? I spent four days wandering around and sleeping on a public bench!

Holly: But I took you back!

Artemis: But I didn't get pregnant!

Holly: Why is it always you? The women have to cook and clean and have babies, and the men lie around all day drinking beer and watching TV! Well, I'm sick of men, I'm sick of carrying children and most of all, I'm sick of YOU!

Artemis: Jeez Holly.

Holly: -faints-

Artemis: Not again!

Readers: Eight times!

_Later..._

Holly: -wakes up again-

Artemis: -is sitting there looking concerned-

Holly: Artemis... I'm sorry.

Artemis: I shouldn't have overreacted. I'm sorry too.

Holly: It's all right, will you let me have the baby?

Artemis: Of course.

Holly: Oh Artemis, I love you!

Artemis: I love you too.

Holly: -grasps stomach- Oh my gosh... what happening?

Artemis: Holly, I think you're in labour!

Holly: It can't be! Unless the baby is really premature...

Artemis: Is there a Doctor in the house?

Doctor: In the kitchen!

Holly: -grasps stomach and faints-

Readers: Nine times!

_To be continued..._

**(A/N: I will actually continue this time. The baby is born prematurely and will probably have leukaemia or something, which is sad, but it's a soap opera, so it's OK, but in the meantime, review? Please? **

**Sovrani) **


	10. The Awakening

**(Disclaimer: Artemis Fowl does not belong to me.)**

**(A/N: Okay, it's been God-knows-how-long, and I've haven't done anything more for this story. Not to mention I've probably lost all supporters for this fic –cringe- Sooo, um, since this hasn't been updated for so long, I suggest you read the chapter before this one, The Dreaming, before you read this one. It's more likely that you'll understand what's going on.  
**

**Anyhow, this is the chapter.)**

* * *

**The Awakening**

_At the hospital…_

Doctor: HOLLY, PUSH!

Holly: Artemis, where are you?!

Artemis: I'm right here, honey! Just keep going, you're doing great!

Nurse: Holly! PUSH!

Holly: -sweating and wheezing- I'm pushing as hard as I can!

Doctor: Holly, you're doing it!

Nurse: Just a bit more! Keep pushing!

Holly: UNHHH!! –pushes-

Boulder: -rolls away-

Nurse: -sits down and wipes brow- Excellent, now we can get into the fridge.

Readers: o.O?

Holly: Thank god that's over.

Artemis: You did great, sweetie.

Readers: Whaatttt…?

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: Yeah well you shouldn't jump to conclusions.

Doctor: Now, Holly, shouldn't you collapse suddenly and start screaming that you're going to have a baby?

Holly: Oh, yeah. –collapses suddenly- OH MY GOD! IT'S TIME!

Artemis: It is? For real? Not like the last episode, when you collapsed and the readers noted that you had fainted nine times and then you suddenly woke up and helped push away a boulder that was blocking the fridge?

Holly: For real.

Nurse: Who wants pavlova?! (A/N: Mmmm pavlova.)

Holly: I'll have some!

Artemis: Uh, Holly, the baby?

Holly: Right, yeah, the baby.

_Later…_

Holly: -sweating and wheezing- Is this for real? Doctor, is the baby ok?

Doctor: I may be a complete idiot, but I DO know that babies aren't born after just five months. (A/N: -thinks of Maes Hughes from FMA- Heehee.)

Holly: -sobs-

Artemis: Holly, I know that odds are the baby won't live, but for your sake, I want to get through this pregnancy healthy.

Holly: -faints-

Artemis: Crap!

Doctor: We're going to have to deliver this baby by circumcision!

Artemis: You mean caesarean.

Doctor: Oh… yes… caesarean. –shifty eyes-

_Later, in the operating room…_

Doctor: Scalpel…

Artemis dressed as a nurse: -hands doctor scalpel-

Doctor: Plastic spoon…

Artemis dressed as a nurse: -hands doctor plastic spoon-

Doctor: Oh no…

Artemis: Doctor, what's wrong?

Doctor: You ate my contact lenses a couple of episodes ago.

Artemis: That was Holly, so what?

Doctor: Well, I need my contact lenses to see, and when I did the ultrasound, I counted wrong.

Artemis: -goes pale- How many children is she going to have?

Doctor: Eight.

Artemis: -faints-

Doctor: Oh, brilliant. Now I've got two unconscious people in my operating room. I've had enough of this, I quit! –walks out of room-

Fantastical, Genius Authoress: -sighs- I guess I have to do everything myself. –puts on gloves and walks over to Holly- Eurgh! Blood! –faints-

Doctor: Three people… Eurgh… -gets to work on Holly-

_Later…_

Holly: -wakes up- Eurgh… what happened?

Artemis: Good, you're awake.

Holly: What happened? Is our baby OK?

Artemis: What do you mean, OUR baby? You had it with someone else!

Holly: Trouble Kelp isn't important, Artemis! Is the baby OK?

Artemis: They were born premature, we had to deliver them by caesarean section.

Holly: They? Oh Artemis, was it twins?

Doctor: No, it was octuplets. And they all lived!

Holly: Octuplets? –faints-

Artemis: Doctor!

Doctor: I wasn't meant to break it to her like that.

_Later…_

Holly: -wakes up, surrounded by tiny babies-

Artemis: Are you OK?

Holly: Yes, it was just a bit of a shock. –picks up one of the babies- What should we name them?

Artemis: Well, let's name the boys Artemis Junior, and the girls Holly Junior. OK, we're done.

Holly: I like Nemo.

Artemis: Nemo… well, we'll name one Nemo, but I'd like the rest of them to be Artemis Junior.

Holly: -rolls eyes- Fine, fine.

_A couple of days later, at Fowl manor…_

Artemis: Do you need some help, Holly?

Holly: I can make a jellybean sandwich perfectly well by myself, thank you.

Artemis: Fine. –goes into the nursery and looks at the babies- Uh, Holly. I think you should get in here…

Holly: What is it? –goes to door-

Octuplets: -have morphed into one giant baby-

Holly: Oh. My. God.

Octuplets: ROAR!

Artemis and Holly: -scream-

Octuplets: WE ARE DESTRUCTOR!

Holly: Nemo! No!

Artemis: It's too late to save them, Holly! Save yourself!

Holly: Artemis, I love you!

Artemis: Run! I'll hold them off!

Holly: Artemis, no!

Artemis: GO!

Holly: -sobs and hurries away-

Artemis: Okay, babies! Give me all you've got!

Octuplets: So be it. –transforms into Megatron from Transformers and starts blasting-

_Meanwhile…_

Holly: -running around aimlessly- I need to hide somewhere!

Cellar: I am not very appealing, but since soapie/horror movie heroines are not very smart, Holly should decide to hide down here. And there will probably be an axe-wielding maniac hiding behind one of the corners.

Holly: -is not completely stupid, but dumb enough to think that hiding in a dark cellar is a smart move-

_A Few Minutes Later…_

Holly: -trembling in corner- I'm scared.

Mysterious Footsteps: Clunk, clunk, clunk.

Holly: Eep. –grabs crowbar and stands near the door, prepared to whack anybody who comes through-

Door: Creeaaakk… -swings open-

Artemis: Holly?

Holly: -whacks Artemis with crowbar-

Artemis: -collapses to ground-

Holly: Oopsie daisies.

_At the hospital…_

Artemis: -wakes up- Ugh. What happened?

Holly: Oh, Artemis! Thank god!

Artemis: Holly, how long was I out?

Holly: Oh, not too long.

Artemis: Holly, you've grown a moustache.

Holly: So what?

Artemis: Don't lie to me. How long was I out?

Holly: … about three months.

Artemis: Crap. Is the doctor here?

Holly: He's in the kitchen. He should get here soon.

Artemis: What happened to the Octuplets?

Holly: I was hoping you could tell me. –sob- They're all dead, aren't they?

Artemis: I don't know, they all disappeared into thin air.

Holly: -gasp- Then, what if they come back?

Artemis: Don't worry, they won't.

Octuplets: -smash through wall-

Artemis and Holly: -scream-

Octuplets: We have come for you, father.

Artemis: -in high squeaky voice- Me?

Octuplets: Yes, father.

Holly: -faints-

Artemis: Crap. I'm going to hell.

Octuplets: We were sent here to kill you, father.

Artemis: Why me? Can't you just kill Holly?

Octuplets: Our existence was created by the male of the species. To be destroyed, we must destroy our father.

Artemis: Why do you want to be destroyed?

Octuplets: Because we are being controlled by our father. We do not wish to be controlled, so you must be destroyed before we can do any more harm.

Artemis: Crap.

Octuplets: Goodbye, father. We are sorry that we had to kill you. Please do not put up a fight. Things might get a little messy. –moves forward with gun extended-

Artemis: Wait, wait!

Octuplets: What is it? Any last words?

Artemis: I'm not your father!

Octuplets: What?

Artemis: Holly cheated on me with Trouble Kelp and got pregnant! I'm not your father!

Octuplets: Oh. Right. Well, um, sorry for trying to kill you and all. We'll go kill our biological dad. See you. –leaves-

Artemis: Thank god that's over.

Holly: -wakes up- Artemis? What happened?

Artemis: Nothing interesting. The kids tried to kill me, but now they're going to kill Trouble Kelp.

Holly: Oh, good.

Artemis: I love you, Holly.

Holly: I love you too, Artemis.

Doctor: -comes in- Who wants mini muffins?

**END**

* * *

**A/N: And yeah. That's how it is. This is probably going on hold until I eat an entire packet of Chocolate Royales.  
I've got a lot of homework to do, and I really need to finish this anime that I've started. It shouldn't take me too long.  
I'm also writing a book. Like, an ACTUAL book. I'll be internationally famous, and when you've read it you'll be like, "Whoa, I know this writing style! It's Sovrani on FanFiction! She's famous! I'm going to go review her stories and million zillion times!"**

**Well, I should hope so. I'll probably never finish the book, but a girl can dream. And I'll just keep writing.**

**Review? Pleeeaaaseee? **


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